Birth Journeys: Lifting the veil on the birth experience
Did your childbirth experience go as planned? Then The Birth Journeys Podcast® is for you! We share powerful and transformative birth stories that illuminate the realities of childbirth. Hosted by a labor nurse and prenatal coach who specializes in transformational coaching techniques, this podcast goes beyond traditional birth narratives to foster healing, build trust, and create transparency between birthing individuals and healthcare providers.
In each episode, we dive into essential topics like birth preparation, debunking common misconceptions, understanding hospital procedures, and promoting autonomy in the birthing process. We also bring you the wisdom and insights of experienced birth workers and medical professionals.
This is a safe and inclusive space where every birth story is valued, honored, and deserves to be heard. Join us in exploring the diverse and unique experiences of birth givers, and discover how transformational coaching can empower your own birth journey.
Contact Kelly Hof at: birthjourneysRN@gmail.com
Birth Journeys: Lifting the veil on the birth experience
Nurturing Strength: Brigette Panetta's Path Through Adversity and Renewal
Facing the daunting challenges of new motherhood amid a pandemic, Brigette Panetta's story is a testament to resilience and unwavering dedication. Just days before giving birth to her daughter Emerald, Brigette found herself embroiled in an unexpected legal battle over her family business, all while navigating the tumultuous waters of a global pandemic. Journey with us as Brigette shares her harrowing experience of an attempted home birth that led to severe complications and an ICU stay. Her narrative is one of strength, as she remained a pillar of support for her partner, James, during his legal struggles, while also ensuring the well-being of their newborn.
Brigette’s healing journey post-birth is a profound exploration of resilience through transformative practices like forgiveness, kinesiology, breathwork, and cold showers. She opens up about how these practices helped her address and release the emotional trauma stored in her body, bringing a sense of peace and balance to her new role as a mother. The discussion shines a light on the importance of balancing hormones, embracing discomfort to build mental fortitude, and learning to control emotions, which is crucial in parenting and personal growth. Brigette's insights offer invaluable lessons on how acknowledging and processing past experiences can lead to liberation and greater personal strength.
Coping with isolation during motherhood, Brigette's experience highlights the importance of self-care and mental health in navigating the challenges of parenthood without immediate support. She candidly discusses the identity transformation motherhood brings, the pressures of social expectations, and the necessity of releasing mom guilt. Brigette’s story encourages embracing imperfections and prioritizing self-love, all while maintaining family responsibilities and adapting to a new normal. Her journey underscores the power of resilience, the value of support systems, and the need for prioritizing one's well-being amidst life's challenges.
Connect with Brigette here:
Join the Bump & Beyond Online Community for moms & moms-to-be!
Coaching offer
Kelly Hof: Labor Nurse + Birth Coach
Basically, I'm your birth bestie! With me as your coach, you will tell fear to take a hike!
Connect with Kelly Hof at kellyhof.com
Medical Disclaimer:
This podcast is intended as a safe space for women to share their birth experiences. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Each woman’s medical course of action is individual and may not appropriately transfer to another similar situation. Please speak to your medical provider before making any medical decisions. Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that evidence based practice evolves as our knowledge of science improves. To the best of my ability I will attempt to present the most current ACOG and AWHONN recommendations at the time the podcast is recorded, but that may not necessarily reflect the best practices at the time the podcast is heard. Additionally, guests sharing their stories have the right to autonomy in their medical decisions, and may share their choice to go against current practice recommendations. I intend to hold space for people to share their decisions. I will attempt to share the current recommendations so that my audience is informed, but it is up to each individual to choose what is best for them.
Hello, today I have with me Bridget Panetta. Bridget has emerged as a powerful advocate for individuals facing social injustice and adversity. Her journey began under extraordinary circumstances. Two days before giving birth, during the onset of the pandemic, bridget found herself losing the safe foundation she had built to bring her daughter into the world. Post-birth, she found herself in the ICU, recovering from a traumatic birthing experience while simultaneously supporting her fiancé through 26 legal hearings. Bridget welcome. This sounds so incredibly stressful I don't even know where to begin, so all I can say is tell me the story.
Speaker 2:Hi Kelly, thank you so much for having me. I really really appreciate it and I just absolutely love your podcast. I'm so honored to be here. Yeah, it's been an absolute journey.
Speaker 2:The last five years have been completely transformational, stressful, and when I look back on it I just just genuinely like when I hear you explain that bio, I just could not. You know, it takes me a little bit to process what has happened because I feel like I've come so far, but at the same time it's just like how did that happen to just two people just trying to build a business, trying to get on with life, trying to build something incredible? So five years ago, my daughter's four, now Emerald she's absolutely amazing and I tried to have a home birth. I created a beautiful, safe space at our home. I had two midwives with me and two days before that we had a proceeding launched on our family business by the Australian Securities Investment Commission for a marketing breach that they had issues with. So that just really disrupted my headspace, my body, as much as I tried to stay strong and just think, oh, you know, this is just absurd, there's nothing to it. I think my body knew something bad was coming. You know, your intuition kind of kicks in. But at the time I'm trying to just focus on having a peaceful water bath at home. So I had a lot of complications there. My body just wouldn't cooperate. I think it was highly under stress at that point. My pregnancy was incredible. Sorry, just to backtrack, my pregnancy was amazing. I absolutely loved being pregnant. I just loved growing a child inside my stomach. I didn't have any sickness. I was very fortunate in that regard.
Speaker 2:But then the birthing experience. I think, off the back of just having such a stressful situation happen, I wouldn't cooperate. I had to kind of be rushed into hospital. My placenta wouldn't detach, so I had to get that removed. I hemorrhaged, I had three blood transfusions and then I was actually septic from having my hindwaters broke quite early on in the piece.
Speaker 2:And so then attempting to have a home water birth, then my body not cooperating, it just took too long, and so my midwives actually left when I was at home. They're like oh, this is. You know, you're taking a while, your body's not cooperating, we're actually going to go home. And I thought, oh okay, what happens? Because my contractions were quite close together. So then they've gone and then I've just gone straight to the hospital just because I just did not want to be a home alone if I was, you know, having contractions so went into the hospital and then, yeah, I ended up having epidural and just all the things I didn't want to do definitely weren't part of my birthing plan, but I just had to accept that that was my situation at the time. So, yeah, I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.
Speaker 2:She was extremely healthy, everything was well, and then went home and literally was just not the motherhood experience or start to motherhood that I ever thought that I would ever have, because we were in COVID, so I had no support, I didn't have any visitors, I didn't have any of that and I was and James, my partner, he was just fighting legal battles for the whole, you know, until he's still doing it now, unfortunately. So it was very much me blindly raising my daughter. And you think you're prepared when you read your books and you think, oh, I'm great. I loved the thought of being a mom. I've always wanted to be a mom, I'm a natural nurturing carer, but when it's yours and when it's 24 hours and when you don't know what you're doing, it's just the expectation that you thought is just totally different.
Speaker 2:I didn't get the mother's group experience because of COVID, so there was just so many things missing that I just, you know, you have that picture in your mind of what motherhood looks like, and so that was kind of the beginning and it was just basically just a lot of trial and error. I told my body, I remember at one particular moment I told my body you have to go into survival at the moment. You can have a breakdown later, and right now your priority is raising this child, because there was no way I was ever going to let what was happening to our family business affect her. That was where that raw mum kind of protection came in. And also I had to protect James because he had to fight for us, because I knew there was something that wasn't correct here and I knew he had to fight because it was so wrong and he had to be healthy. He had to eat. He wasn't eating. You know he wasn't. He didn't have that comfortability of thinking I'm just going to go for lunch or, you know, I'm just going to make some lunch. I had zero time to think about that. So if I didn't have that comfortability of thinking, I'm just going to go for lunch or I'm just going to make some lunch. I had zero time to think about that. So if I didn't do that for him, I was worried about his health and him being able to sustain what he's gone through.
Speaker 2:And I also had to start working in the business. I've got a finance background and most of the employees resigned so I had to kind of step in to keep that moving, getting things to lawyers and making sure we could provide the information that James couldn't do everything, so I had to help in that regard. So, yeah, I just was in complete survival mode for the first probably two years of Bob's life and COVID was tough. But it was also good because I had her on a strict sleeping schedule Like I had no on a strict sleeping schedule Like I was. I had no distractions in that respect and because I had to work, I really put emphasis on making sure I could get her sleeping during the day and she was sleeping through from about three months, so when she would sleep I would just be working through the night.
Speaker 2:Then it was just. There was just so much happening, but I felt like I had it under control because I think that adrenaline is there. I think mums in general just have adrenaline because they're just juggling, trying to work out how to make sure this baby can survive. But then throw on all of this legal pressures and making sure you can help your partner when you see him struggling so much, it just adds that extra boost on. So I was just I felt like, super well, I was cooking, getting the house was still clean, I was making sure everything was done.
Speaker 2:But then a few years later we had to move house. We actually lost our family home through the process and once we moved and my environment changed and my routine changed, my whole body just gave up. Essentially, you know, that last little bit of fuel that I was running on I think just ran out and that's when my health started to really suffer and my mental health really, really suffered because I was having to face it. It was right there. I couldn't just keep bearing it. I had to really face it and think, okay, I need to really look after me now. So I had to. Obviously, emerald was still my number one priority, but the work things I just said I can't help you there. I can help you at home as a partner, but in terms of work I have to take a step back from that.
Speaker 2:And Emerald was getting older and as a baby it was quite easy, you know, I could have her next to me while I worked and it was quite. You'd think when you've got a newborn it's really tough. But then they get older and you're like, oh, that was the easiest stage. Now she's into everything and touching and playing and you want to give them that interaction and all of that. So the mental health journey was just another thing on its own, but it's probably like the most thing I'm proud of as well, because this whole situation, on top of becoming a mom, you have these amazing identity shifts and I guess navigating that, I think for moms is the most challenging.
Speaker 2:Because I couldn't go back to my job because I worked in the business and the business wasn't operating. So I couldn't go back. I couldn't leave the house and think, oh, I still have that for me. You know, my whole life just kind of crumbled and I've had to think how am I going to rebuild this? You know, on my own at home as a mom, because you're so isolated as well. We've moved all over the place, so I'm having to rebuild everywhere.
Speaker 2:So just navigating that mental strength and that mental challenge was really difficult, but the motherhood really kind of accelerated that process, because you think, okay, I need to do this for my child, because I need to be the best mom that I can be, and if I can't get up in the morning, who's going to look after this child? Who's going to give her the love that she deserves? So that was the whole next stage, which has been just amazing, amazing. I feel like I'm a better version of myself than I was before and this journey that I've been on and motherhood together, it's just really accelerated that process and I wouldn't be mentally where I am today if it hadn't have happened.
Speaker 2:So there's all of these opportunities that I've had to find in this struggle and in this challenge and ultimately, when I have the capacity, I'd love to help other mothers that are suffering mentally and if they're suffering any kind of social injustice, my goal is to create a foundation for women to have that support, even financially.
Speaker 2:I'd love to help them in terms of litigation funding, because the legal expenses are insane. We had to lose our home to try and keep fighting and I'm lucky James is extremely resilient, but a lot of people just aren't. You know it is very stressful, there is a lot of pressure and it's really tough. So I'd love to provide any type of financial support once you know the foundation's established, all of these things. But that would really make me feel like full circle moment. This happened to me, so I can help others. So, yeah, that's been the high level of the journey, but there's been a lot of twists and turns in between, but again, I've just felt like there's been so much opportunity in it to be able to be a better person and be the best mom that I can be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have so many questions. I want to start with. What path did you go on to improve your mental health and to take care of yourself?
Speaker 2:So the first things I did, I remember I was probably at my lowest moment mentally, like I just could not get up, like I did not want to wake up, like I'd hear Emerald's little feet, you know, and my whole body would just go into panic because I was in, I had nothing to give and I didn't have that level of support, you know, I didn't have family around and things like that. So I remember I went onto Facebook and a kinesiologist ad popped up and it was around the corner from me and I thought, oh, I had done it before. But I just gravitated towards this ad and I just thought I'm going to go, I'm going to book this in and it was the best thing to start my transformation journey because it worked on my hormones and she could read the state of stress that my body was in, because I could try and work on my mental. But I feel like it was my body that was stressed. It was holding so much trauma, there was so much pain in there, and so I'd get confused because I'd start getting upset and I just didn't know why, but because I felt like I would journal and I would write things out and I would get it out of my mind, but I couldn't get it out of my body. I didn't know how to release that trauma, and so she helped me actually go through a lot of amazing practices through forgiveness.
Speaker 2:I'd have to forgive people I didn't even know through this illegal situation. I knew them by name because we'd never been interviewed or we'd never spoken to anyone. So I would just picture you know a building and I'd be able to send forgiveness, and it actually helped me to release a lot of the anger and the frustration and the pain that I was carrying, and just whoever I felt had played a hand in making this experience for us. I was able to send love and forgiveness and just think well, you might just be doing a job, but I forgive you for what you're doing, even though you just wish the world had a bit more humility. When you're going through these kinds of things, you're like, okay, is money really worth what you are doing to a family? Surely there's a level of consciousness that you're doing in your role. To say this doesn't feel right. So I would definitely practice a lot of that. That was my biggest shift, because I felt like I'd become a lot lighter.
Speaker 2:The kinesiologist actually worked a lot of my hormones, which I feel like because I was still breastfeeding. I breastfed for the first, I think, 10 months, so I went from breastfeeding to about seven months and then I just express fed to about 10 months. So my body was, you know, like the hormones and everything was still really quite strong. So, working on a lot of that leveling that out, which was amazing. So I highly recommend a kinesiologist just to feel the body, just to see what the body's going through. And they are so incredible at how they can read your reactions and they just are spot on every time. It's just amazing.
Speaker 2:I then went on to do breath work. My auntie suggested it and I'd never heard of it before and I just thought I'm going to try anything because my body was just so, just in a state of shock, I think still. And then my first session just so much came up and I just cried for a good two hours and I could just see all these things that I'd forgotten had happened even were just still sitting in my body. I just cried and they were popping into my mind and I just felt amazing after that, so much lighter. So I actually found a school that had sessions every week. So I actually found a school that had sessions every week. So I actually went for nearly two months straight every week and just really got to the bottom of certain things and was able to just kind of grieve them out of the body, which was just amazing.
Speaker 2:The third thing that I really liked recommend and was really good for me was cold showers in the morning. Yeah, for mental like it was. So what I would tell myself whenever I'd have a cold shower is I'm uncomfortable, being uncomfortable, and so that just made me feel invincible. So like if James would come to me and say, oh, you know, this has happened, it wouldn't affect me like it used to Normally, I'd be, you know, victim and I'd say't affect me like it used to Normally, I'd be, you know, victim and I'd say why is this happening? I can't believe this is going on. And I'd go down that spiral.
Speaker 2:But I was just able to hear it and not attached to it, because I kind of had already trained my mind that morning that I wasn't going to let the unknown or uncertainty affect me.
Speaker 2:So it was just such an incredible mental shift. So I felt like I worked on the body and then it was like sharpening the mind and so whenever something would happen that normally I would panic about, with Emerald just going to the shops, at one point I was so anxious to go to the shops I was like, oh my God, and if she'd had a meltdown or something like it would just put me I couldn't handle it. Like I'd have to leave the shops. I was worried about others thinking you know, you're worried about so many things that you don't need to worry about. But once I was able to manage my mind, I could lead Emerald so much better and she felt like she had a leader more than someone who was just so nervous all the time and anxious, and she wasn't feeding off my energy. So I felt like that was really really good for my mental state.
Speaker 1:Yeah, every mom that I interview and work with, I feel like that is the transition into motherhood, that is the rebirth, and I don't know if it's the algorithm that's noticing that. I'm looking at these things and it keeps popping up, but I keep seeing this, like on social media, that every time a baby is born, a mom is also born, and just the person that you become once you go through that transformation and how you have to just say, okay, this isn't about me anymore, but I also have to make it about me in order to help the rest of my family, and how moms just take on that responsibility, I just feel like that's the common. Every mother goes through that period of, okay, how am I going to show up to this? And whether they start to realize that they have to show up before birth and plan everything through the pregnancy and start to advocate for themselves and realize that they are going to become a completely different person if they do that before or if they do that after. Either way, it is that realization that makes you become a mother. And then how do you step up to that?
Speaker 1:And I just think it's so incredible what you've been able to do and, I think one of the greatest things is in a relationship when you realize that you can only control yourself. You can only control your own emotions, you can't control what's going on around you, you can't control what's happening with your partner, with your child. And once you realize that that control is something you have to let go of because it was never there to begin with, you realize that it's not selfish to focus on yourself and it's the most amazing thing you can do to help everybody else. But it is so hard as a woman because you think your job is to help everyone else, so it's like this catch 22,. But if you don't do it, then you're not going to make it through motherhood, exactly. So I just think that that's so incredible. I wanted to go back to I'm having trouble understanding the midwives leading you.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, so I, I don't know. So they came over, they said to me let me know when you're this many seconds apart in your contractions, make sure it's quite close. And I'm like, okay, so I went into labor and my contractions started and then they started getting closer and closer, and closer, and so I was keeping them updated it was about 10 30 at night keeping them updated on the time space, and so I think it was like four seconds apart or something like that that I had to let them know. So I let them know this is what was happening. And they're like, okay, we'll come over. And they said hop in the bath, cause I had the bath ready. So I hopped in the bath and things just started to slow down a bit because my body, you know, got a bit more relaxed. So we've kept them updated on that. They've arrived. And then just let me sit in the bath to relax, to see how it was going. And the contractions got further apart because my body was starting to relax. So I think, you know, they thought, oh, this is going to take longer than they assumed and I and I wasn't ready at all, my body wasn't dilating.
Speaker 2:So they stayed through the night because I was still contracting through the night, but just not as close together. They tried to um, get me to have a sleep, which I laid down, but I was still contracting so I couldn't sleep because I was still kind of in pain. So that went to about, oh, probably two or four in the morning. Then one of them said I've got appointments today, so I'm going to go home. And I was like, okay, and then this continued to about 10 in the morning. Where I was, I'd been walking around, you know, knees up, trying to walk up and down stairs on the bosom ball, trying to, you know, just bring it on. I think they did a sweep to try and bring on the labour as well. But by 10am the other midwife said, oh, I'm going to go home and give my son a shower and get him ready for the day and things like that. But this was just after the sweep, probably an hour or maybe half an hour after the sweep. So the contractions were closer together again. But I think she could see I wasn't cooperating, but I didn't. I don't know. You know what it's meant to look like, or this was my first pregnancy, so when she was going to go home.
Speaker 2:I went into panic because I thought I don't want to be on my own. James has no idea what to do. This is why I need you here. But I think she, without telling me, knew that it wasn't coming anytime soon. Like maybe it wasn't coming anytime soon. But I said, oh, what would happen if I do go into like labor? She's like, oh, I'm only 40 minutes away and we can just coach James over the phone.
Speaker 2:And I was like at that point I just made up my mind and I said to myself I want her to go because I want to go to the hospital. Like I just felt like I wanted to go to the hospital. I felt like something wasn't cooperating in my body and I really just wanted to go. And so all of a sudden I changed my tune. I'm like no worries, not a problem. Yeah, we'll let you know if we need you. Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 2:And I just said to James take me straight to the hospital. He actually was really reluctant to take me because it wasn't part of my plan and he thought I don't want her to do anything she's going to regret. So he actually made me get back in the bath so I could calm down because he could see that calm to me in the first instance. So then, once I was calm, I said look, something's not right. I can feel in my body that I'm not cooperating for a reason and I would rather go into the hospital because I'm in so much pain.
Speaker 2:I've been in pain since 10 pm, so it'd been 12 hours and I said I just need. I don't feel safe here, I feel like everyone's left. I want to be somewhere where I've got more, a bit more support. Then, once I was calm and I was able to articulate that that he's like okay, I just didn't want you to do anything you'd regret, because I knew you didn't want to be in the hospital. So I was a little bit. You know, I understand there's still people and they they to sleep too and things like that, but I just it made me really feel unsafe having both of them leave at the same time, just because the contractions were still there. I just didn't know how it should work. Should they have left, or how does it work from your perspective?
Speaker 1:Well, I feel like normally there's an additional support, like usually there's backup support. So having like a doula and I don't know how every practice works in the United States Usually there's a doula that's there in the interim to help work through some of that and then they can call the midwife when it's time to come. But I mean, I feel like having them there and then leaving.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Is it the best look?
Speaker 2:yeah, and I engaged a doula at the start just to get my head right and understand some. I can be quite masculine in my role of work and life, so I really needed that help to just be a bit more feminine and a bit more in flow, because sometimes I can try and control everything, which, if you're trying to have a home water birth, that's not what you want to do.
Speaker 2:You want to just allow your body to do what it needs to do and get your mind out of the way. But the midwives had actually said, oh, she does exactly the same as what we do. So then I thought, oh well, I don't need to double up if they're going to be able to provide that support. So then I was like, oh, I wish I didn't listen and I had the doula, so that way she could have been there and I would have felt a bit safer, because then she could have known when to ring and call the midwives in, so then they could have come maybe the next day if they weren't required to be there. So that's probably one thing I would suggest to mums is, if they're going to do the home birth, just to make sure the doula, you do get it.
Speaker 1:It's so frustrating that we have to ask so many questions, but ensuring that there's backup care. Like if things don't move quickly enough. What's the plan? Leaving someone to feel unsafe at home isn't the best plan. Yeah, and I totally feel you when you feel like you're not getting what you want from somebody. You could tell they're not going to change their mind. You're like, okay, whenever we're going to move on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I felt like a bit of a burden, to be honest, which you don't want to feel like when you're vulnerable and you're trying to give birth. I just felt, I felt like they wanted to go, you know, and I was like, oh well, I'm not going to keep you here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if that's the vibe they're giving off, it's really hard for you to relax into that Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was something not right about it and I just wanted to go to the hospital. Like I just wanted to go to that place where I felt like I would maybe have that extra level of support. And I'm actually so glad that I did, because I was septic in the end, so I had to have emergency treatment. So if I was at home I would have had to be rushed. So it's like my body was telling me you need to go there.
Speaker 1:I feel like moms really just have that intuition, like, okay, this isn't working, you guys get out of here, I'm going to do something wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like everyone's leaving. You know this is all happening for me to go Like there is. I'm not meant to do this. This needs to be. Yeah, there was just definitely this. Pull towards just okay. Change of plan. Plan B let's go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So then how long was your water broken?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my hind waters had broken. I think it was like 3 pm the day before. So then I had someone come in the next day at 7 pm and she did cupping on my back and that actually brought my labor on straight away and contractions started maybe half an hour after she'd left, maybe even 20 minutes. It was quite quick. So then they started getting closer by 10 pm and so then I was just updating them on what was happening. They said, yep, start running the bath. I'm like, okay, running the bath. So yeah, I felt like I was following process, but I just, yeah, maybe needed that extra level of support for the first.
Speaker 2:If it's like your third, like I'd recommend probably a water birth If I was to do it again. I'd probably do it if I was to have another child or a third child, because your body, you know what you're doing, you're more confident.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the first one, you know like you need, I felt like I needed extra care well, and I think the importance of finding safety in your birth is the key whether it's at the home, if that's where you feel safer because you've had trauma in the hospital, or if it just doesn't feel like a safe environment you, or whether it's at the hospital because you realize that you have all the medical support there and so everything has risks and benefits, right, or pros and cons, not even necessarily risks and benefits, it just it's whatever works well with you. And what I have seen in the past in the birth community is everybody saying you should do this and you should do this, and like pointing to the home birth versus the medical birth, and it's like no, you should do what's right for you, because otherwise you're not going to have a good birth experience, and so I love that.
Speaker 1:You were able to pivot when you felt like it was necessary. You knew what you thought you wanted. It didn't look the way you had wanted it to. You didn't feel safe anymore and you recognized that you needed safety in your birth and you were able to pivot to the plan that made you feel safer at that moment, so that you could move forward and you knew something was up. So ending up in the ICU, so how?
Speaker 2:did that play out? So after I had Emerald, they said look, you've been through enough, we don't want you to have to go to theater to have your placenta removed, let's just give it some time. And so in that waiting period I then hemorrhaged on the table and then they're like, oh, we're going to have to take you to theatre, okay, so went in, had another epidural because of the theatre and having to remove the placenta. Then straight after they're like, oh, that was successful, great. And then I was in the corridor because they wanted to bring James and Emerald so I could see her while I waited after the operation.
Speaker 2:And then my body just went really, really cold and so I was saying to the nurse I said I'm freezing, I just felt like I was seizing because I was so cold. But I just kept saying I need another blanket, I need a heater on me, I'm absolutely frozen, like I was shivering. And she thought I was having a reaction to the epidural and I said no, I had one and I didn't have a reaction. I was like something's not right, I'm freezing, and she kind of wouldn't. Not, she wouldn't believe, believe me, but like I don't think she went there with her mind thinking so it was more. She got me another blanket and that just didn't do it and I just kept getting a bit louder and louder, like something's wrong. I'm freezing, freezing cold. So then she ended up calling the doctor and he's yeah, then I've had to go to ICU because I'm my so I don't really remember much from there after that.
Speaker 2:I just remember to go to ICU because I'm my brother's, so I don't really remember much from there after that. I just remember waking up in ICU and the sun was like beaming on me and I just was laying there going, thinking where's Emerald? Has she eaten? Like what happens now, you know, is she okay? What just happened? Yeah, it was just like this really weak kind of vulnerable moment, just thinking how did I get here?
Speaker 2:My vision was so beautiful, like I had affirmations on the wall, I had beautiful music playing, I had incense burning. You know, I had this beautiful start and then I just had this reality shock of what just happened over the last 24 hours. And because of COVID, they couldn't freely bring her up to the section. But I will say that James and Emerald's bond is so strong he comes and goes because of work and we've had to divide and conquer, but he held her for the first five hours. Literally, he said he didn't put her down and their bond is so strong. And I believe it's because of that, which is so beautiful, because I was worried because of everything going on, that you know he wouldn't get that bonding time with her. But it's like that happened for him for a reason to give him that moment and that time together to create that beautiful bond, so he can, you know, go off and do what he needs to do. So there's a silver lining.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was just thinking that about how we make it meaningful for some of these experiences that we have and I would never want to project that onto somebody because whether that resonates with you or not can cause more trauma. But I love that you've been able to find the good and the lessons in all of this to help you move your family forward. So the nurse when you're trying to tell her, I'm so happy that you're able to advocate for yourself.
Speaker 1:Because the shakes is the more common reaction right and we are trained as medical professionals to look for the more common reaction and not automatically drop to the least common reaction right, so not panic, yeah, but that you continue to say no, I'm actually cold, because you shouldn't be cold. If you had an epidural, you should you can be a little bit cold after being in the or, but the, oh, the epidural, the shakes shouldn't be due to cold. You're like, oh, I'm shaking and I can't control it.
Speaker 2:That's different than yeah, I feel like I was lifting off the table, like I felt like my whole body was just like contracting. Yeah, it was freezing cold, but it was like contracting because my blood was obviously not right, but there was just something odd going on, you know. But then it was cold on top, so then, yeah, she was automatically linking it to a reaction to the epidural Well.
Speaker 1:There was a lightening on top of the sepsis, because just having a baby it's such a huge change in blood flow and hormones and all of these things all at once. Yes, then your placenta didn't let go. Then you hemorrhaged. Then they had to give you more anesthesia and manually go in and extract your placenta and that's enough to give you the shakes, right?
Speaker 2:Exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:And so it was probably all of it combined with the sepsis, because your whole body was just trying to figure out what was going on.
Speaker 2:It was in shock, yeah, and I don't take I normally don't even take Panadol. So the body was like just pumped with everything and I was just depleted and just in a state of shock, I think. So I didn't blame the nurse. I completely understood where she was coming from, but there was just definitely something like I had to keep repeating it, repeating it, repeating it.
Speaker 1:And that's such a lesson in healthcare, because you do have to continue to yeah, what you're going through. Yeah, you know, because we can't experience it for you, so if it's yeah, this is common. No, this feels a little bit less than common. It feels like more than what you're describing is common yeah, exactly so.
Speaker 2:So I'm not sure even how they treated it. To be honest, how do you treat SIP?
Speaker 1:I would think IV antibiotics.
Speaker 2:I had the needle in my arm when I woke up, so I think they'd put it through my blood system like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes they'll do different ports and go directly into a larger blood vessel, depending on the severity, but often they start with the IV and if they need to have more intense therapy then they'll go with different types of lines. How long were you in the?
Speaker 2:ICU. I was only in there for two days, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then were you able to go back to postpartum after that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was there for three days.
Speaker 1:Did they help you breastfeed? How did that look so?
Speaker 2:yeah, so they helped. They ended up getting me a nipple shield which I used to try and get her to latch on, and then that kind of worked. And there was the first night, but was okay. And then the second night it was tough because I think my body was so tired. I just needed that rest time and no one could come into the hospital because of COVID and James was there in and out. And so I remember the second night the nurse actually took Emerald so I could sleep because she was just waking and I think she could hear me Like, oh my God, what's going on? Like I didn't know how to calm her at that point.
Speaker 2:I think I was just my mind was just a bit everywhere and I just wasn't of a sound mind. It was so nice to have that support, just someone being able to come in and like your mum would kind of thing.
Speaker 1:So that's you know. And then the transition once you got home during COVID and you were just on your own, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that was really tough, because when you go into becoming a mum, you just have this strength that you just know what you're going to do and you know you're going to be great and you have this picture. But then, when you're sleep deprived, you can't execute the way you normally would execute. So that was really just a transition. I had Bub in the room next to me for two days or two nights, but I just heard know she was.
Speaker 2:I could hear everything, yeah, and I was like waking up every second, checking her, checking her, so I ended up putting her in her room in a bassinet but I would, you know, check on her more regularly and she slept okay for the first few weeks.
Speaker 2:It it was touch and go, but there was definitely meltdown moments for me throughout that stage. I then looked into a few like just read a few books on sleep cycles and sleep training and things like that, and I would just do, I'd pop her in her bed and I would just stand at the door, you know, and I'd listen for the cry. And once I got familiar with the different cries, I could tell what's a feed cry, I could tell what was a nappy cry, I could tell what was a, you know, distressed. So that was really good to be able to just familiarize with that. The only level of support I had was just the online phone, like it was a 24-hour phone service, so I would just call that all the time to catch, just to get whatever information I needed. I had a midwife come from the hospital but she had to actually call me from the driveway, she couldn't come inside because of.
Speaker 2:COVID. So she was like how heavy does she feel, you know, against like a bag of flour? I don't know, I don't know these things. So that was a little bit disappointing, just because you want to know that your baby's developing well, I read some books but you know I'm not a nurse, like I'm not qualified in terms of that sort of thing. Like she looked fine to me, she looked great, she wasn't crying, there was no distress kind of thing, but just not having that support was a little bit, you know, disappointing yeah, the point makes me nuts.
Speaker 2:I mean, even as a nurse, I wanted all of that information yeah, and like now, I talk to my friends and they're getting lactation people over and they're getting so much support and I just at the start I would get really just sad to think you know why was this my journey? But yeah, it's just. Yeah, I accept it now, which is fine, but but it definitely unfortunately has put me. You know, I'm not rushing back to have another child because the world just doesn't feel very settled and I'm worrying what if I was to have another baby and potentially lockdowns could happen again, or you know, not saying it will, but that's where my mind goes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's amazing how the entire experience of birth and postpartum can change the way that your family looks. Yeah, it's disheartening because it's so important to have support and then, when you're not sure if that support is even available to you it just really changes everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, definitely. Especially, I think the second time around I'd be more confident because I feel like I've really had to do everything hands on myself. So I feel like I've really gained a lot of knowledge in terms of that. But just the exhaustion that you go through, I just don't think I can put myself in that situation, especially because I've come so far. You know, I felt like I've finally been able to put myself first. I've finally been able to look after myself and not feel that mom guilt and know, like you said earlier, if I'm not okay, my family's not okay, or it was always.
Speaker 2:I've come from an Italian background where it's like selfless love you literally give every bit of you and you're always last on the list, whereas I've tried to really change that because I want to be able to be a good role model and a good leader for my daughter and not just think I'm going to just give to her and her not understand that until later in life. I want her to understand. Think I'm going to just give to her and her not understand that until later in life. I want her to understand that I'm going to give to myself now. So I've got lots of love to pour onto you, because otherwise it just doesn't work, like you say you need to drop the mom guilt and not feel guilty about it, like even when I got a massage.
Speaker 2:I think for the first time I'm thinking, oh my gosh, like I remember getting a babysitter and I got a massage and I was lying in the massage feeling so guilty, thinking I should be working or I should be doing something productive, you know, and then I would talk myself out of it, like no, this is doing something productive for your body, for your mental state, so you feel calm and you can be present you know?
Speaker 1:yeah, because how productive can you be if you can't be calm and present?
Speaker 2:exactly right, and you don't think that that's important. When you're a mom, you think you know you need to be doing something or you need to be. Yeah, it's like this ego shift or something that you need to go through in order to actually allow yourself to feel like you can prioritize yourself. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:That one's going to give you the courage Never.
Speaker 2:That's been a big thing for me to let go of that perfectionism, especially with social media and all of that. Life's just different now. You feel like you have to live up to something and you want a certain projection of your life and it doesn't matter all of those things. What's in your mind and your health is so much more important than worrying about that.
Speaker 1:I remember waking up in the middle of the night or the morning would come and I'd be like how is it already morning? And thinking this is a form of torture in some places and thinking this is a form of torture in some places. This is how people are purposefully depleted in order to get what you want from that person, and this is just motherhood.
Speaker 2:I know I think I've said the same thing to my partner. I was like this is literally a form of torture. When they take someone, they want to interrogate them, they just don't let them sleep and then they just lose their mind and you know you're doing that alone as well like isolated, and I felt like even if I did have friends around there was sometimes I just didn't want to go anywhere because I just wasn't my happy, bubbly self that I was before I was a mum, and so I felt like when I would show up, I'm not myself. So it's like it changes you. It changes how you are and you show up into the world and you have to get to know that new you as well, which is another challenge in itself, because you're trying to be this leader, but you're also trying to understand who you now are. There's just so much complexity to it. Mums definitely don't get enough credit, that's for sure.
Speaker 1:No, not at all, and especially if you don't have somebody that's giving you those secrets and walking you through that and saying okay, now this is your new normal and you need to figure out who you are in this place.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and love that person you know. Love her because she's been through a lot, not just think, oh, I hate this new version of me. I look different, I feel different. You've got to show that side of your love so they can feel safe, because at the moment, you're all you have, no one's going to give you that love and safety that only you can give yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so something that I ask every mom that I interview is if you could go back in time and talk to yourself at any point in this process, whether it's before the pregnancy or before the birth. What point would you want to go meet yourself and what would you say?
Speaker 2:Oh, this is good. It's tough because I want to say to the pre-mum just drop expectation, don't try and be perfect. It's not going to work. You need to love your flaws and know that you're going to have a lot of them soon. I think that would set me up the best, because I thought I had everything perfect, even just becoming pregnant. You know, like I've had previous partners and things, but I just knew they weren't the right one. I knew I never wanted to have a child with them. Like it just didn't feel right.
Speaker 2:And then I met James and I just knew straight away, and so I felt like everything I did was right. You know, I waited, I did the right thing, I made sure that we were financially in a right position, I had done things in my career that I was proud of and I was ready to move on to the next stage, but literally everything got ripped from under me. So just telling that person nothing's ever perfect and you can't expect, just because you think you've ticked all these boxes, that the universe is going to just give you this easy run. Things are going to be tough and you need to be able to accept that just because you think it should be like this. It's not always going to be the way you want it to be. That would be to the pre-Bethinkin Bridget. And then I think, when I was in that thick of it, it would just be look after yourself, love yourself and look after yourself, and that's all you can do. You can't worry about everyone else, anything else, just love that version of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because every version of you is the next step to the next version of you. I completely agree. Well, Bridget, is there anything else that we didn't talk about that you wanted to bring up?
Speaker 2:No, I think that covers everything, especially with the birthing experience, definitely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing. I am sending prayers that your family gets through this and that you continue to prioritize your health and the wonderful support to your family that you are right now.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure and I just love speaking to you. I could speak all day, so thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for coming on.
